Monday, August 17, 2015

Summer Spider Bite

I got bitten by a spider.

I live in Texas.

Texas is notorious for being the humble resting place for creatures like black widow and brown recluse spiders.


I need to never investigate my own spider bites on the internet, it always makes me freak out, like pretty hardcore.  Everyone posts about gnarly spider bites. AS THEY SHOULD.  All the people like me want to see your gnarly spider bites.  KEEP POSTING.  You are saving lives and people are freaking out, which is probably making people more cautious and saving lives!  It is good to know that your thumb might start rotting off if a brown recluse spider injects you with her venom.  (Just try one little baby google of a brown recluse bite.)

So I got bitten by a spider.  Here is the timeline.

Sunday (8pm) I got off of work and home by Sunday evening.

Sunday (8:10pm) I took the dogs outside.

Me: "I think Imma chill out here for a sec."

Sunday (8:11pm) Sat down.

Sunday (8:11pm) Played Soda Crush for all five lives.

Me:  "Level 207 f-off!!"

Sunday (8:35pm) I went to room.  I laid down to watch something great like Xena Warrior Princess reruns and fell asleep.

Sunday (9:02pm) Asleep and probably drooling, maybe, a little.

Monday (2:35am)

Me:  "Ugghhhhh, I'm hungry."

I forgot to eat before I went to bed.  I make my way down to the kitchen where I get some chips and salsa; the staple in my household.  My brother and I sometimes eat each others salsa.  Salsa is a source of unity and division.  As I eat my delicious spicy goodness I notice that my right thigh itches like the devil's balls.  Not only does it itch, it is red and swollen the size of a personal pan pizza, or the size of a personal watermelon, or more like a medium size ice cream bowl.  I'm tired.  So I go back to bed.

Monday (8:38am)  I start investigating bug bites.  This looks kind of weird. Are those red lines trying to run to my heart?  Are my veins trying to collapse?  Am I dying right now?

Me:  "Did I drop a cigarette in my lap last night while I was sleeping and go to bed with it?"

Through out the day I start researching bites.  Tick bites, spider bites, tiger bites, flea bites, bed bug bites, vampire bites, and so on.  I learn that if my chest starts tightening up or the spot starts to get blacker then I need to go to the doctor, because in that case, this is a brown recluse bite.

However, it is normal for spider bites to feel like a chemical burn.  I learn that if it gets worse I should go to the doctor.  Then...

Monday (6:14pm)

Me:  "Is that a blister?"

I bet I'm dying.  I bet my leg will rot off by the morning.  Imma wait and see, but I am disgusted with my own legs at this point. The right side is obviously worse but both still like they are experiencing a chemical burn.

All night I am having difficulty sleeping peacefully.  I am afraid that a coven of arachnids are going to descend upon me take out little demon wands of acid and start burning my first layer of flesh off as an offering to their little arachnid pantheon of eight legged gods and goddesses.

Tuesday (6:40am, I know, I get up way too early sometimes, but this is serious, I might be dying.)

The swelling was intense and I felt so confused.  The blister made me confused.  The morning made me confused.  All the information I had about every kind of bite known to man made me confused.  I asked every friend and family member what I should do and gave them rights to anything of mine they wanted.

My Dad:  "Go to the doctor."

Me:  "Okay.  I'll go."

Tuesday (8:32am)

Doctor:  "That is a regular ol' spider bite.  I just got one last week in the garden.  Here is some triple antibiotic and put coconut oil on it before you shower or bathe."

Me:  "Okay.  Thank you.  I just freaked myself out a little online yesterday looking at bites."

Doctor:  "You'll be fine.  If it was a brown recluse your tissue would already be dying."

Me:  "Okay Great.  Thank you."

Thursday (3:16pm)  The bite is healing nicely.  The blister and swelling are completely gone.

Today is Monday, one week later.  The area is still red but it it is peeling now like a sun burn would.  

Listen world, listen up!!  There are some valuable lessons we just learned.
  • Never put your shoes on without giving it a quick peek for dangerous spiders.
  • Never go to bed early.
  • Never forget to sleep with a pillow between your legs, what if they spider had just gone a little farther up.  A pillow would have served as a deterrent.  
  • Never go to bed hungry.
  • If you can teach the dogs to let themselves outside, it might be time.  Doggie doors are no obstacle for spiders.  Don't use them.  Teach the dogs to open the door with the handle and make the door handle doggie friendly.  
  • Don't freak out.  You are fine.  Don't go online for answers.  You will only have more questions.
  • If you get attacked by a tiger you will probably die.
  • If you get attacked by a unicorn you will probably never die.
the end